Star Wars Remastered - The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars" 15 New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself. 14 He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely. 13 Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber. 12 Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke." 11 The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut. 10 Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve. 9 C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass. 8 Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees. 7 New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee. 6 Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'" 5 Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name. 4 During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment. 3 Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint. 2 The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?Richard Jewell. And the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"... 1 Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.
When it gets hot - A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are planning to walk in the desert. The Dutchman says: "I'll bring an umbrella for the shade when it gets too hot." The German says: "I'll bring some sunglasses. This sun can really destroy your eyes!" The Belgian remains silent. Next day, the Dutchman and the German are astonished. "What's that?" they both shout. The Belgian answers: "It's a car door. Now I can open the window when it gets hot..."
Elephants Jokes 4 Kids Galore - -How do you get down from an elephant? You don't. You get down from a duck. -Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors? So he could hide in the crayon box. -Why do elephants have wrinkles? Because they are so hard to iron. -Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed? Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning. -Why can't an elephant ride a tricycle? Because it doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell. -Why do elephants wear sunglasses? So no one will recognize them. -Why are elephants such poor dancers? Because they have two left feet. -What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Time to get a new fence. -Why can't elephants go swimming at the beach? Because they can't keep their trunks up.
Hoop Earrings - Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A: To put their feet through.
Why God Doesn't Have a PhD - 1. He has only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a referred journal. 5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been very limited. 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. Some say he had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his test. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop. 17. He's been known to associate with prostitutes.
Unmarried In BMW - Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? A: Divorcee.
Skylights - I had skylights installed at my place the other day...the people that live upstairs are really mad!
Australian Kiss - Q. Do you know what an Australian kiss is? A. It's like a French kiss, but down under.
NASA Hires Blondes - Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They're doing research on black holes.
The Golden Toilet - There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers. After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was. Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet. This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"
Affairs With Men - Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men!
Bad Lauguage Catholic Joke - Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker. They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children stood nearby. Social worker - "We should give these seats to the children". Lawyer - "Dont be stupid, fuck the children!" Catholic priest - "Do you really think we've got time"?
21 - On the Menu today! A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: --------------------------------- Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50 Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50 Hand Job $10.00 --------------------------------- Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!" The man replies "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
How They "Do It" - Accountants do it with Double Entry Acupuncturists do it with a small prick Ambulance drivers come quicker Australians do it Down Under Bach did it using the organ Bankers do it with interest Bartenders do it on the Rocks Batman does it using his Robin Bookkeepers do it for the record Bosses delegate the task to others Chess players check their Mates Cops do it with cuffs DJs do it on request Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure Dentists do it orally Detectives do it under cover Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers Elevator men do it up and down Engineers do it to specifications Engineers do it to a first order approximation Firemen do it with a big hose Frank Sinatra does it his way Garbagemen come twice a week Gardeners do it on the bushes Gas attendants Pump all day Golfers do it in 18 holes Landlords do it every 1st of the month Managers make others do it Marketing reps do it on commission Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free Teachers do it with class Waiters and waitresses do it for tips Zoologists do it with animals
Sunburnt Manhood - A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed - "So, that's how you guys load those things!"