What is Green, Slimy... - What is Green, Slimy, and Smells like Pork? Kermits Dick
Speech to the deaf - An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
Paint the Porch - Hobo shows up at the front door of a grand mansion. The owner comes to the door. Hobo says, "Sir, I am down on my luck and ask if you could please spare me a meal?" The owner stared at the hobo for a minute and then broke out in a lambasting such as the world has never seen. "You shiftless bum!! I worked all my life for what I have and you make me sick, begging for food! How dare you!! You should be ashamed!" The hobo lowered his head in shame. After a minute of silence, the owner began to soften toward the unfortunate man, and said, "Look, if you are willing to do some work for me, I will pay you and give you a meal." The hobo was ecstatic! "Oh, yes sir! I will do whatever you want. Thank you!" So the owner said, "OK, go around back. You'll see a porch there, and a bucket of battleship grey paint and a brush. Paint the porch, windows included, and you'll have a meal." The hobo wasted no time and scurried around back. About an hour later, the front bell rang again. The owner opened the door and saw a paint splattered hobo with a big grin on his face. "Now don't you feel better," he said. "Yes!" said the hobo. "I'm a new man!" "OK," said the owner, "come in and have some lunch." The two sat around the kitchen eating and drinking for about an hour, when the hobo said he had to leave. He thanked the owner profusely for getting him back on the straight and narrow. As the owner showed the hobo to the front door, the hobo turned and said, "Oh, by the way, that was not a Porsche out back, it was a Ferrari."
Christmas and a day at the office? - Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Not specific enough! - A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her. The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
Spicy 50th Honeymoon - For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive. The husband says, "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!" Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels. The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"
Why is 6 scared of 7 ? - Why is 6 scared of 7 ? Because 7 ate nine!
Another Castration - A man went to his doctor and said, "I want to be castrated." "What?" said the doctor, "surely you don't want that." "Yes," said the man, "that's what I want; I insist." So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for. "Oh, I was circumsized," the man said. "Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!"
After You - My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local Bell Atlantic Office. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me. I wasn't really sure who was next and when we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, "After you." I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you. I have all day." The he shook his head sadly and repeated, "No, sonny, you go on ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."
Expressing Stupidity! - Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how... An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Surfing in Nebraska. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Depressed Over Mother In Law - Why Steve, you're so depressed today, what's the matter? Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she wouldn't talk to me for a month!! Then so bad about it? You should celebrate the event!! No, no, see...that was four weeks ago, and today is the last day...
A Chicago man in hell. - A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago." So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem...just like Chicago in June," the man says. So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. "No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says. So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, "no problem. Just like Chicago in August." Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on. To which the Chicago man replies..... "THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!" "THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
Mattresses - At least now, Mr. Clinton, we understand why mattresses are discounted every Presidents Day.
Hillary and... - Q: What does Hillary Clinton and Tampons have in common? A: "They are both stuck-up cunts!"
A Shorty - Q. What is Black and White and Red all over? A. A Newspaper